Thursday, July 13, 2006 : .deux.
tonight the wind is sending me shivers
i have never felt fear this great before
the dark night sky leaves me hopeless
and ure not here by my side anymore
what was the price of the times we spent?
momentary bliss and eternal regret.
were the things we believed in correct?
the painful consequences of our actions i could never forget.
but now it seems that i have lost most of myself
i dont know if i could still not fall
somehow i knew if i had only held on to You
this endless sadness wouldn't happen at all.
>.<
Wednesday, June 07, 2006 : life in plastic! its fantastic!
amma barbie gurl. inna barbie wooohooorld.
***
wala lang. :)
***
iskul is cool.
pisay is byootipool.
like me for exampool.
iskul is cool.
***
go muon! go muon!
kasintapang taio ng lion!
lahat ay sumasang-ayon!
go muon! go muon!
***
magpapakabait na ko.
bati ko lahat ng tao.
wala sa inyong ayoko.
magpapakabait na ko.
***
mag-aaral ako ng mabuti.
wala nang pa-wait-y wait-y.
ako ay dakilang pretty.
mag-aaral ako ng mabuti.
***
gagraduate na tayo.
mamimiss ko talaga kayo.
at ang mga titser nating henyo.
gagraduate na tayo.
***
amma barbie gurl. inna barbie wooohoohooorld.
***
wala lang. :)
Friday, May 26, 2006 : bituing walang ningning
di ko akalaing ikaw ang sisira ng puso ko
matagal na kitang kilala, ako'y inamo mo
pinagkatiwalaan kita nang todo-todo
malaman ko lang sa huli... aku'y iyong niloko
tiningala kita san man ako magpunta
nilambing mo ako ng iyong mga mata
sinunod ko ang lahat ng yong mapangakong salita
at pagkatapos ng lahat, ako'y iyong ipinawalang bahala
***
barker.
barker ng jeep. aku'y iyong iniwan. niloko mo ako. tinawag pa.."O! Cubao Cubao!"
nahalina mo ako sa pamamagitan ng dala dala mong makulay na sasakyan
mei nkaaakit pang mga guhit ng Ghost Fighter
at ang maingay nitong busina: "Fire! Brattattattatta..."
ikaw! ikaw na nga! ang siyang aking daan.
upang makarating ako sa malayong paroroonan.
nagmadali akong mahabol ang mapangakong jeepney
pagpasok ko, aku'y nagsisi.
barker.
barker ng jeep. aku'y iyong iniwan. niloko mo ako. tinawag pa.."O! Cubao Cubao!"
marami ka na palang nahalina pagpasok ko sa jeep.
ilang tao na pala ang nauto mo.
naisip ko: "san na ako ngayon lulugar?"
ngayong kaliwa't kanan.. ay ang mga taong nauna pa pala sa akin.
ipinagpilitan mo parin akong iupo sa puno mong puso
"usod usod lang po mga nasa kaliwa. onsehan tayo hindi sampuan."
hindi lang iyon ang pinakamasaklap.
matapos kong malaman na niloko mo lang pala ako,
ay pinagpilitan mo pa akong itabi sa babaeng ito.
hindi selos ang nadarama ko kundi pandidiri.
sapagkat ang babaeng katabi ko ay may dala dala:
dalawang malalaking balde na mei lamang ISDA
o barker! barker ng jeep!
bakit mo nagawa sa akin ang ganito?
hindi mo ba naiintindihan ang pasakit na dinulot mo?
nagtiis ako ng sobrang tagal.
malaman lang na ang babaeng ito ay hanggang cubao pa.
ako'y hamak na hanggang katipunan lang.
hindi madali ang pinatiis mo sakin.
bumaba akong sawi
bumaba akong nagsisisi
at higit sa lahat o barker!
bumaba akong nangangamoy.
barker. barker ng jeep. aku'y iyong iniwan. niloko mo ako. tinawag pa.."O! Cubao Cubao!"
***
di ko akalaing ikaw ang sisira ng puso ko
matagal na kitang kilala, ako'y inamo mo
pinagkatiwalaan kita nang todo-todo
malaman ko lang sa huli... aku'y iyong niloko
tiningala kita san man ako magpunta
nilambing mo ako ng iyong mga mata
sinunod ko ang lahat ng yong mapangakong salita
at pagkatapos ng lahat, ako'y iyong ipinawalang bahala
Sunday, May 07, 2006 : girl next door - flores de mayo
Small town homecoming queen
She’s the star in this scene
There’s no way to deny she’s lovely
Perfect skin perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside shes ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her
***
nasubukan mo na bang sumabak sa santacrusan??
oo. ung panahong ng flores de mayo.
ikaw ren??
congrats preho tayo.
ano?? lalaki kah?
ay sus! wag ka na!
***
Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutant
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her
***
Reyna Illuminada. ako yun! ni hindi ko nga alam kung cnu un eh. akala ko pag-santacrusan ung tipong mei mga kiddies sa harap. tapos mei mga big girls din sa likod na mei arko na buhat buhat ng mga boy. tapus sa pinakalikod ung reyna elena.
saya. mei iba pa plang reyna reyna dun. fun noh?
Reyna Illuminada. ako nga yun eh! ang sinumpang motif [korek ispelling ba?] ko ay blue at wyt. hehe. ako yata ang naging birheng maria. sinumpang ipinasuot sa akin ang lumang gown na sinuot ko nung kasal ng ninang ko. dark blue siya na mei silver na bilog bilog. sinumpang sapatos ko dalawa. prehong silver. kaso mas mtaas ung takong nung isa. sinumpang make up ko ay make up ng nanay ko plus glitters na ibinuhos ng walang awa sa mukha, leeg, at braso ko.
illuminada = ilaw. ganon ba tlga ako kylngang lumiwanag? sinumpang ipinabuhat sa akin ay isang glass bowl na mei lumulutang na tatlong floating candles [ang kulet! lumulutang na nga floating pah!] at mei ksama pang bulaklak. sinumpang buhok ko ay ipinaayos sa kung saang parlor sa brookside.
ang sinumpa kong arko ay blue at wyt na puro krep paper na dinikit via gawgaw. yak! hindi ko kilala ung mga boy na nagbuhat ng arko ko. napulot lng ata sila ng ninong ko kung saan.
sinumpa ko ang bawat kalsadang nilakaran ko. sa gita ng aking sinumpang adventure. nagpalit ako ng sapatos. ung silver naman pero mas mababa ang takong. nevertheless, sinumpa ko ang paglalakad.
sinumpa ko ang flores de mayo at santacrusan. pauso ba nman ng presidente ng village nmin. grabeh. once in a lifetime lng din xang gnawa. at pinagmerienda kmi ng tuna sandwich pagktapos. sinumpa tlga.
***
pero alam mo. di ko mkakalimutan ang flores de mayo.
ipaglakad man ako kung san wala na ang dignidad ko.
pipitchugin man ang mukha ko, damit ko't arko,
natututo akong lakarin ang mga kalsadang baku-bako.
***
She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin’ in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin’ on the floor
She’s Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Thursday, May 04, 2006 : la vie boheme - rent
to days of inspiration
playing hookey, making something out of nothing
the need to express -
to communicate, to going against the grain,
going insane
going mad
***
food makes the world go round:
sisig
garlic rice
c2 green tea
chocolate donut
mineral water
hotdog na binalot ng bacon sandwich with mraming mustard at catsooop
mlaking baso ng cold melon juice with mraming melon strips
mamang driver, bkit ang init ng ulo nio?
gutom lng yan..
ganto, bababa muna ako ng fx.
tapus kmaen muna kayo.
jan o. bili ka ng fish crackers na binebenta sa kalye.
tapos kumaen ka muna.
ayan, meron pang naglalako ng mineral water.
bilin mo rin. dpat ung malamig ha.
o yan. ayos na?
ano nman kung mrami kang pasahero.
dahan dahan. mainit na ulo mo.
hehe. luto na ung itlog. yay!
*munch munch...
manong, ubos nio na??
ayan. busog na xa. gutom lng yan.
sakay na ulit ako ha?
etoh poh. P20.
bayad po.
isa pong katipunan.
*broom broom
para.
***
bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens,
carcinogens, hallucinogens, men,
pee wee herman
german wine, turpentine,
gertrude stein antonioni, bertolucci, kurosawa
carmina burana
***
la vie boheme!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006 : ang chuva ng buhay
waah. narealize ko lang na hindi na ko sumusunod sa naitakda kong patakaran dito sa blog na ito. sabi ko dapat puro song titles ang titles ng entries ko. cguro tinatamad nrin ako at nwawalan na ng gana.
sabi ko rin na dpat himig ang pinaka-tema ng blogang ito. haha. okay. di na rin. wla na rin gana.
dane anjan ka pa ba? yep. wla lang gana.
***
ang chuva ng blog ko.
***
chuva?
Sunday, April 23, 2006 : ika dalawampu't tatlo ng abril
april twenty-three ngayon!
so???
april twenty-three ngayon!
kulet na buhay toh. bkt ba hnggang ngaun wla pa akong course?? oh well... pumunta ako ditoh:
http://www.ucas.com/
tpus kinuha ko ung Stamford Test. wenk.. well. lumabas sa possible subject areas ko ay:
1) management
2) administration [anu pagkakaiba nila sa management??!?]
3) general medicine
shucks. compyusd c dane. hehe. and then nagnarrow down pa xa sa possible courses to take. eion. keio i-try nio. :) it myt help din. :)
Wednesday, April 05, 2006 : diner dash
pumunta ka na ba sa yahoo! games? well pumunta ka ngaun din at hanapin ang diner dash. alam mo ba kung ano ginagawa dun? ikaw ay isang waitress na magttrabaho sa flo's diner. gagawin mo: iddrag mo ung players sa table tapus hihintayin mo sila matapos sa menu. pagmei order na ung customer mo kukunin mo un via clicking on their table tpus dadalin mo sa chef via clicking on the counter. pagluto na ung pagkain nila click mo un tapos click mo ulit ung table nila para mapunta sa kanila ung food. hintayin mo sila matapos kumain tapos pagtapos na iclick mo sila para ibigay ung chit. click mo ulit para linisin ung pinagkainan at iclick sa lalagyanan ng maruming plato.
saya noh?
click ka lang nang click. pero dapat siguraduhin mong mabilis ka kase pagmainip sila sisimangot tapus kokonti ung heart nila tapos babawas ung score mo.. awww.. ganun tlga eh. pagsuper nagalit na sila kumukulubot ung muka nila na para silang mga maskarang pang-halloween. nakakatakot! kaya bilisan mo lang!
saya noh?
pagnatapus mo ung sampung levels sa flo's diner magtatayo ng bagong diner si flo. tiki tiki naman. haha. anu un? aba malay.
saya noh?
kaso di ko natapus ung laro xe limited lng trial eh. alam mo naman ang yahoo! games. kylngan mo bilin un para masaya. kaso, pagkabili mo at natapus mo na ung laro, ano na gagawin mo? sisimulan mo ulit sa level 1? yoko nga. kaya un. magbabayad ka ng $16.99 para sa isang larong matatapos mo rin at pagkatapos ay sasakit ang mata mo tapos mahihilo ka na.
pagsawa ka na. try mo naman roller rush. preho lang un pero ung waitress naka-roller blades. yay!
saya noh?
masaya siya. alam mo ba kung bakit? xe click ka lang nang click. pwede ngang nakasandal ka na sa upuan mo eh. tapos itaas mo pa ung paa mo sa table ng computer. masaya xa. di mo na kylngan magtatatalon kung nahihirapan ka na. matakot ka lang pagmukha nang halimaw ung customers mo.
masaya siya. xe click ka lang nang click. buong shift mo sa diner click ka lang nang click tapus nagagawa mo na nang maayos ung trabaho mo. minsan lumalagpas pa sa dapat mong kita ung nakukuha mo sa isang araw. yay!
saya noh?
sana lahat click nalang nang click. mas madali un eh. wala nang kayod para makuha ang gusto. hindi ko na kailangan makinig sa teacher ko para matuto. di ko na kailangang magbukas ng mabibigat kong mga libro para makabasa ng kailangan para mataas sa test. o kaya makapasa man lang. di ko na kailangang ilabas ung black at red ballpen ko every subject para lang naiintindihan notes ko pagdating ng hapon pagmagrereview na ko para sa quiz bukas. di ko na kailangan gumising ng alas tres o alas kwatro para tapusin lang ung labrep, o kaya dula, o kaya tula, o kaya optional work, o kaya materials and methodology. di ko na kailangan pumunta sa bawat meeting at mag-isip ng bagong kaekekan para sa kachuvahang program na meron na naman sa school. di ko na sana kailangan paghirapang malutas ang problema sa ... ngeh! di ko na sana. o diba parang kanta. hehe.
sana isang click lang magawa mo na lahat ng gusto mo.
ang nakakainis pa ron, mas mahirap pa nga sa click ang ginagawa ko, hindi ko pa nakuha ung (sa tingin ko na) pinaghirapan ko. kung i-click ko nalang kaya lhat ng trabaho ko? nakuh! baka di lang "failed" ang aabutin ko. ano? ewan.
***
nakikinig ako ngayon ng soundtrack ng rent. nako panoorin nio ung musical na un! hanep! gusto ko! at siguro ung rent na yon ay di rin dinaan sa click para makagawa ng super gandang palabas.
***
ngayon kinaaawaan ako ng lahat dahil sa sinapit ko. ewan. baka kasi dinaan ko lang sa click ang lahat na di naman pala dapat talaga.
ang buhay ay hindi click. ito ay kayod at pawis at pagbabanat ng buto. ganon talaga. sayang hindi parang diner dash ang buhay ko. ganun na tlga cguro.
sa susunod, hindi ko na idadaan sa click ang buhay ko. siguro ay magkakaron parin ng ganong mga panahon. pero sana naman ay natuto na ko. at sa susunod, hindi ko na Siya kakalimutan. Siya ang nagbigay ng kakayahan kong ito at ayoko naman sanang sayangin lang sa kaciclick. diba? yay!
pero ngayon, haharapin ko muna ang bunga ng aking mga pagkakamali. naririnig ko na sila ngayon: "kawawa naman si ate." ganyan talaga.
Lord, salamat sa lahat.
kaya ko toh ulit! yay!
*click.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006 : how much is that doggie in the window?
do you know what makes u charming?
look in the mirror and smile.
that, exactly gets my heart.
do you know what makes u charming?
its when i ask you a question.
and u suddenly get shy.
how funny it is that you know the right thing to do at the right moment.
read my eyes and you know how i am. hear my voice and you know what im feeling.
do you know what makes you charming?
its your imperfections that for me is the most perfect thing.
exactly.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006 : the unanswered questions
do all things happen for a reason?
or do they just happen because we wanted to?
i could never take back that moment, or even pretend it did not happen.
i won't say i didnt want it. at least a part of me, didnt want it.
the promise? i can never turn back time.
the promise? love me forever.
i will never be the girl i once dreamed to be. and it is not your fault.
should i say thank you or should i get mad?
i dont know. just love me forever.
i will not be scared. i wont worry.
just as long as you love me forever.
will it be the same after weve done?
will guilt take over our lives?
will you fight for me? will i fight for you?
stop. thats all we have to do. stop.
sometimes we have to think first.
i would never want to forget. and i never cared.
just as long as you love me forever.
Friday, March 17, 2006 : takteng ipen
gnyan tlga.. pagbata ka plang at ipinagkalooban ka na ng sungking ipin. akalain ba nman ng ibang bungi ako. baboy. gnyan tlga. pinaaus na xa. sakit naman! *ouch.
tlga? un lng ung ouch? i dont think so. these days... everything's so overwhelming. bhira nang maayos. yak. relate ka? sorry hindeh. hirap no? ewan. msakit na lhat. di mo pa mtanggap. grabeh. takte. oops.
i dream to get away. will you take me some place far? hold my hand and never let me go. for even though we ourselves become the source of my pain, i still long for you. will you take me some place far? even just as i close my eyes. i want to feel like im gone. even if i still sit in the middle of the chaos, make me feel like im not there. your presence takes me away and i never want to get back to reality.
can u feel my heart? its every beat is your name. but ure sleeping now. dream away.
ingat sa pagtulog. sna bukas ay masaya kah. hangarin ko ang iyong kaligayahan. huwag nang maging mkasarili. lhat tayo mei problema. pero chong kpag ako'y kylngan mo. sigaw ka lang. yayakapin kta nang mhigpit at di na bibitawan. naririnig mo ba ako? yayakapin kita nang mahigpit at di na bibitawan.
makikita kita bukas. hangarin ko ang kaligayahan mo. maaari ko bang makita ang masaya mong ngiti? sana.
Saturday, March 11, 2006 : too much to contain
too much to contain...
***
for the past weeks of this life that i've been living... i have been overwhelmed by people and situations which i could not bear... maybe at first. stress was the word, as i fought my way through the last days of this periodic week. nd stress has always been the word when i am down and out. when ive been drained from all my hopes and strengths. when was still striving in keeping my place in battle ive longed to fight.
but what defines ... ? when hurt and uncomfort drown u in. when frailty and disbelief swallowed u whole. i can cry and shout and not a gasp could come out. when u kept on believing in something you thought could change? wasting useless and useless months of your life trying to prove them and yourself as well that all is well and nothing was wrong. at the end of those months you realize what a dumb girl you have been trying and trying to make seen the impossible.
what defines ... ? each and everyday you find yourself in a battle different from yesterday. or so you thought. maybe it was its corollary. nonetheless... its a battle. everyday i strive to fight. it was an indescribable feeling that tore me inside out. such pain confusion and guilt i have never felt. guilt? was it guilt? i didnt know. one thing led to another. one pain led to the next.
the past weeks of my life gave me pain more than i could endure. pain: trapped, controlled, punished, regret, guilt, distrust, tears, grief, loneliness, prejudice, unacceptance, blindness, desire, morals, hope, doubt, want, confusion, hate, stab, etc. if you think pain is spelled p-a-i-n.. well i guess you could reconsider reading those words again. my school can give me work and stress so much that it could kill... but those weeks... was worse than this school. if dying alive is how you can describe it. then i can say i died already.
you strive so hard to gain so much only realizing in the end that you have been aiming for something impossible. no one supports you. live you lifeless dream. i realized some colors cannot be put together no matter how hard u try. and being the blind artist that i am. i wasted my life trying so hard to mix them coming up with sh*t that some can call disaster. on the other hand, when youre in the middle of your "trying-to-calm-down" state... somebody stabs you right in front. it took a while to swallow the truth. but i guess i already happened. what can i do more?
i wanted so much for that but it did not happen. in the end, i was soured by the fact that i threw myself down only wanting to fix the mess. months of my life was wasted. and i felt pain.
***
i was confused at a time and you stabbed me. how could you? you left me questioning myself only to find out that my answer is you. you pained me.
***
and so i began writing the nonsense that you will not read.
***
no matter how hard i try to catch my breath. it just keeps leaving me. telling me "why are you still fighting to live?". nothing awaits. im shedding tears in vain. i know no one can cure me. i need you right now.
Sunday, February 26, 2006 : haha. funny.
sorry for peace destroyed.
u havent read it? haha.. buti. dont read it nlang. sometimes dane makes tampo out of nowhere she doesnt even have a reason.
dont read it nlang. that happens when dane's bored. she creates *toot*.
i think dane hates somebody that's why she wrote it. or something.
bsta dont read it nlang. *mwah.
laboh. haha.
newness is what i seek. and it doesnt seem to be just around the corner. i dont know where at least to start looking for it. im looking for change but i dont know where to start. im seeking to change the me that i know for im finding out it sucks.
newness is what i know i need. to venture into a whole new world of reality. i need the walls of my past to crumble and not let my memories haunt me forever. i need a place to get out for once where i can stop to think for myself. im bound by the words of everyone around me. im bound by their judgement. im bound by my history.
newness is what i think about. how it could turn my world around. i am longing to be someone more and less of who i am. how it scares me to remember my mistakes and even more scared to think that people remember them. how it scares me to get over it and start a new life knowing that they wont forget. i am yearning to start over but i try and i try. people just yank me down. and i dont care at all, you see. i just dont. i dont even know why.
if you want to correct the past, i realized u dont seek a beginning. u dont seek or wait for the chance to come up. u just start with what you have and what you are. you start to climb up the ladder of fate even though you've once been cut down to go back. you dont stare at her and wait for her to change because she wont. and she doesnt even know you want her to. its me who has the problem. i will clean my own mess.
***
i stop and think about how lonely i am because the world isnt all too well. but you see its no use complaining. because it wont set me free at all. it will make me more miserable. more desperate. and more pitiful. if i hate the world and i hate the situation that i am in. i guess i have to face it. thats the world. they wont stop their time to let me catch up. i have to run the same pace myself. if i want something new then i guess i should create it. it will not come on a silver platter in front of me. damn. that would be too good to be true. lets face it. let me face it. i am creating a world of me. so selfish.
***
and i dont even know if i would understand what im writing. ten minutes after ive ended this rubbish. i dont care. would you care? youre just reading this as well. let me ponder on my mixed emotions. should you care about what i write. let the world be destroyed around me. let them stop and criticize me. i wont care.
***
am i being too defensive? am i making sense at all? can you feel the state of confusion i am in?
***
its all too complicated. i cant even say what i want. whos holding me back? me? you? i think its you. and partly me. but i really think its you. you see? i need somebody to chase away my stubbornness. chase away my pride. chase away my selfishness. chase away the crap out of me. damn it! i use the wrong words i could come up with a sucky love song. or something that talks about world peace. with these thoughts put together i dont think i can even write an essay good enough to be understood.
***
waah. and so ill start. again. once more. it never stops. and it never starts well too. i give up. how am i feeling? lonely. why? because they dont want me. who? they know who they are. dont need to let you know. nobody wants you? yes. what do you want to do? get out. and then? have fun. how? dunno.
***
i could not express. because you distract me. you say im nothing. its all your fault. why did i even get to know you. i dont like you. haha. i dont like you.
***
crap! forgive me. im making you suffer. im making me suffer. forgve these hundred words ive wasted and nobody can understand one damn thing. except-
who are you?
please read.
Saturday, February 25, 2006 : you are worthless
when the only light of your world disappeared
you will suddenly start to feel all the emotions that has never come to you before
i never realized i was this lonely. right now there's no one there beside me.
moreover, i never realized i was worthless.
worthless...
when the lights turn off.. you can no longer see, you know. but i was... and i now i do see. and you know another thing? i learned hate.
they have made you believe that you are what you think you are. i thought i was something... something... if not the best. well, i know im not the best. so at least, i knew im something. because they made me believe so. they told me so. i was drowned in their make-believe words that drove me to the top.
thankful? not really.
when i reached that topmost place, and suddenly the lights go off. i felt fear and cold that i have never felt before.
it was like being in the middle of your performance. a performance which you dedicated your life to. which you thought was something you. something you. it was uniquely, undoubtedly you. and you regard yourself cut above the rest because of that. and in the whole course of your gala you feel proud, contented, secured. this was the moment nobody could take away. this was the moment to give your heart to other.. or so i thought.
suddenly the lights went off. at the same time, silence covered the whole place. nobody moved or said a word. i wasn't able to see anything. i felt fear stronger than all the fears ive felt before. nobody reacted in my audience when the lights went off. i dont know what to do.
so i tried to continue my song pouring my heart out still because whatever happened. the show must still go on you know. i tried to fill my heart with joy and calmness. but when i opened my mouth, no sound came out. i felt scared. not a sound came out of my lungs.
suddenly, music was playing and somebody was singing. how could that be? this was my song? i hear applause and cheering but i still couldnt hear something.
the chill and coldness i felt when i heard that voice. the fragile glass that makes up my heart and soul broke. there was a heavy shove that pushed me. i dont know where its taking me. i tried to fight the force but it was too strong. the song that was created by someone else started to fade away. so i knew i was moving farther. i felt scared. more than you could ever imagine.
after a while, the pushing stopped. i dont know where i was. there was no familiar sights because it was dark. no familiar sounds because of the deafening silence.
no familiar warmth because my light turned off.
i felt wasted and scared. and in some way i felt i belonged there. in the darkness and silence where nobody knows. in the cold and fear which nobody felt. i tried to cry but it wont come out which made it all even worse. i was not able to walk because of the fear that enclosed my whole system. what am i to do? i did not know. i cried inside.
i knew i wouldn't get out. so i belong there. it told me i would stay there. it told me i didnt deserve to be anywhere else, to be anywhere brighter and vibrant.
i didnt say anything, maybe because i couldn't speak at all.
i never realized i was worthless until my light turned off.
Saturday, January 07, 2006 : ulan
poor little girl
at the age of six her life ended
she had dreams yet
she could not fulfill them now
poor little girl
she was kidnapped from her family
one chilly night
on their way home from simbang gabi
poor little girl
she was grabbed by three drunk men
who were also sniffing rugby
she felt scared
poor little girl
she was dragged into an abandoned house
with broken tiles and glass
she felt cold
poor little girl
she was stripped of her brand new clothes
her tita gave her then
she was crying
poor little girl
they placed her on top of the counter
she could not fight
they were strong
poor little girl
the three drunk men raped her there
she prayed hard to God
she can't breathe
poor little girl
a man came and saw her but was too scared
he ran away from them
she was alone
poor little girl
they raised a large knife above her
she screamed for her mom
she was gone
to the poor little girl
with twelve stabs on her throat and stomach
God loves you and so do i
we will pray for you
poor little girl
at the age of six her life ended
she had dreams yet
she could not fulfill them now
Friday, January 06, 2006 : where are you?
[J. Roman]
there's someone out there for me,
I know she's waiting so patiently,
can you tell me her name?
this life long search is gonna drive me insane
How does she laugh how does she cry,
what's the color of her eyes,
does she even realize, I'm here
where is she, where is she, where is she,
where is this beautiful girl,
who is she, who is she,
who's gonna complete my world,
where is she, where is she,
where is this beautiful girl,
who is she, who is she,
who's gonna complete my world,
la da da da da da da, la da da da da, la da da da da da da
[Soluna]
I'm staring out at the sky,
praying that he will walk in my life,
where is the man of my dreams? yeah yea
I'll wait forever, how silly it seems,
how does he laugh how does he cry,
what's the color of his eyes,
does he even realize, I'm here
where is he, where is he, where is he,
where is this beautiful guy,
who is he, who is he,
who's gonna take me so high,
where is he, where is he,
where is this beautiful guy,
who is he, who is he,
who's gonna take me so high
[J.Roman [Soluna]]
there's someone out there for me[there's someone out there for me],
I know she's waiting so patiently[so patient],
can you tell me her name[can you tell me his name],
this life long search is gonna drive me insane,
[Soluna]
how does he laugh, how does he cry,
what's the color of his eyes,
does he even realize, I'm here
[J. Roman]
where is she, where is she, where is she,
where is this beautiful girl,
who is she, who is she,
who's gonna complete my world,
[Soluna]
where is he, where is he,
where is this beautiful guy,
who is he, who is he,
who's gonna take me so high,
[Together]
la da da da da da da, la da da da da, la da da da da da da
[J.Roman: I kno you're out there]
la da da da da da da, la da da da da, la da da da da da da
[J. Roman: where are you, I've been lookin all over the world baby,
cuz I know you're out there, and I know it might sound crazy,
but i think I love you..]
la da da da da da da
Sunday, December 18, 2005 : sige
kung wala kang magawa.. basahin mo toh.. niyehehe.ü salamat sa friendster bulletin... kei ate bradley.ü
THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY TO REPORT THE BAD NEWS
***
KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....
"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yungkatiwala niyo sabahay-bakasyunan niyo."
"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka?May problema ba?"
"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo nanamatay ang alaganiyong parrot."
"Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalosa bird show?"
"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."
"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastosko sa ibong 'yon.Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"
"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."
"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao angnagpakain sa kanyang bulok na karne?"
"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isangpatay na kabayo."
"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"
"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir.Namatay po kasilahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."
"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ngtubbbiiiiggggg?"
"Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yangpinagsasasabi mo?"
"Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumbapo 'yung isangnakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtinaat mabilis na kumalatang apoy...."
"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sabahay-bakasyunan, a.Para saan 'yung kandila?"
"Para sa burol po."
"Ano? Kaninong burol?"
"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumatingdito nu'ng isanggabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na.Akala ko po magnanakaw.Binaril ko."
***
un lng nman.ü
Friday, December 16, 2005 : cool off
i stared at the book in front of me.
"i need color now, don't you see?"
i grabbed my crayons, many they are
and looked at the fish under the sea
yellow stripes i give to you
i also add to your body blue
and green circles i drew and drew
until you became something new
the smile i now see from your lips so pink
"and now you paint the other."
i looked at another fish and began to think.
red and orange will be your color.
but a terrible storm swept straight to me.
i couldn't do anything now.
i watched as things fall one, two, three
i didn't help somehow.
someone was walking away today
a wound in his back i noticed
it was because of me, i say.
i hadn't hurt him too bad, i wished.
i couldn't do anything now.
someone was hurt i could tell.
and now the storm died down.
everything now's far from well.
i stared at the book in front of me.
"i need color now, don't you see?"
i grabbed my crayons, many they are
and looked at the fish under the sea
i colored one, but the other not.
for the storm made me forget.
that person whom it seemed i shot.
took my focus from this pet.
i stared and sighed at the other fish
you should've been orange and red.
if only i had joy to color again.
you would've been pretty contented.
im sorry the feeling just went out.
i have to leave you plain.
just wait till i get my smile once more.
just wait till i get rid of the pain.
i stared at the book in front of me.
"i need color now, don't you see?"
orange and red someday you'll be.
i'll come back, i promise thee.
run away. as fast as you can.
for i am the monster.
i do nothing but destroy.
all your hopes, dreams, and joys.
i will leave you crying.
i will leave you with regret.
i do nothing but kill.
all your smiles and laughs.
you will not see the sun.
nor will you see those you love.
i do nothing but give pain.
to your body, mind, and soul.
the peace and warmth that you feel.
will all be gone soon.
i do nothing but make you cry.
all the happiness you will forget.
all the fears you will remember.
all your tears they will flow.
i do nothing at all.
you cannot expect things from me.
search and you will not find.
hope and you will doubt.
run away. as fast as you can.
for i am the monster.
Friday, November 11, 2005 : save the best for last
parang ang gaan sa pakiramdam
na kahit na nawala na ang lahat
alam mong may natitira parin sa likod
ng napakagulong tanawin at kalat
parang ang sarap na malaman mong
kahit na pinagtatapaktapakan ka na
alam mong babangon ka parin
ngingiti at muling titingala
ang sarap huminga nang napakalalim
sa tuwing uuwi ka galing sa pagod
at alam mong may pahingang naghihintay
kahit na parang walang pinatunguhan ang kayod
ang sarap lang na ngumiti at alalahanin
ang mga pinagdaanan ninyo magkakasama
mas mahalaga sa natamasang gantimpala
ang mga tawanan at pakikiisa
ang sarap isipin na nangyari sila
ang mga bagay na hindi mo maisip isip
mga taong hindi mo mapagsamasama
makikita mo nalang na tumatawa
parang ang gaan sa pakiramdam
na kahit na nawala na ang lahat
alam mong may natitira parin sa likod
ng napakagulong tanawin at kalat.
Saturday, October 22, 2005 : when i dream
go 07! :)Friday, October 21, 2005 : cry
if a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would cover her face and wear a mask
she would laugh out loud or maybe keep silent
if a girl cant cry she would
if a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would keep it in her heart
though so heavy she won’t let it show
if a girl cant cry she would
if a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would eat her sorrows away
she would stuff herself with endless junk
if a girl cant cry she would
if a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would talk to people all day
till she forgets the pain and all the hurt
if a girl cant cry she would
if a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would gaze at the stars all night
and wish she was there so light and free
if a girl cant cry she would
if a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would sing with all her heart
and remember all the sad sad songs
if a girl cant cry she would
if a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would crumple, throw, or hit
until she lets all the negativities out
if a girl cant cry she would
if a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would sleep and wake up tomorrow
she would think of the next day to come
if a girl cant cry she would
if a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would hug a pillow tight
she would wish that all did not happen
if a girl cant cry she would
If a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would seek refuge somewhere
somewhere safe and light and gay
if a girl cant cry she would
if a girl cant cry what would she do?
she would write and spill and write
she would post it on the internet
if i cant cry i would.
*ouch*
Tuesday, October 04, 2005 : all hail
*** all hail to our beloved Assumption! all hail the glad echoes ring
to your our love and true devotion with grateful hearts we gladly bring... ***
who was i when i left that memorable place?
who was i when i came back and visited it?
what was it like after two long years of being back?
who were they who stayed and still there lived
who i am today, nine years they have molded
who i am not today, nine years they have not let me be
were they nice? were they caring? did they love me?
were they there? was i alone? was i happy?
i thought i was, i thought i was happy
for in the nine pictures i saw i was smiling
when i looked back, the pain they did to me
i was happy, yet inside, i was crying
i was trapped, i was suffocated, i was struggling
yet i passed, i excelled, i did what they wanted
i succeeded, i felt proud, i showed them
despite the blows, despite the blames, despite the taunting
i wasn't strong, i wasn't firm, i was pretending
i was hiding, i was hurting, but i tried to love
i struggled with all my strength to get out of my bounds
yet they pushed me, yet they left me, yet they forgot
it was done, i was leaving, i felt relieved
yet i felt down, i felt helpless, i was missing them
they have formed me amidst all their chains
that have held me, that have kept me from harm
who am i today? is this because of them?
or is this the fighting me who've always wanted to be free?
i looked back, i cannot tell, i am by far disgusted
by the past, by those years, by the nightmares
i am proud from where i came from, it is not them to blame
but the weakling who forgot to fight hard for me
i loved my sanctuary who molded the woman i am now
today i understand, today i open my eyes, today i see
i have loved and i terribly miss the once found peace
that i do not feel right now in the chaotic world i am in
though they tortured, though they hurt, they have once loved me
with the love they only can give and nowhere can be seen.
*** may your spirit be engraven, on our hearts till we reach heaven
and may love for you e'er go with that of our God and native land. ***
Saturday, October 01, 2005 : away
dalhin mo ko bulalakaw
sa kalawakang walang hanggan
sa likod ng iyong apoy
malayo sa mundong aking tinatayuan
dalhin mo ko bulalakaw
malayo sa mga bagay na nanggugulo
malayo sa pagbabaliwala at pag-aaksaya
malayo sa mga nananakit ng puso
dalhin mo ko bulalakaw
kahit saan ka magpunta
kahit sa bagong mundong magmamasdan sayo
basta't malayo sa paninira
dalhin mo ko bulalakaw
at bilisan mo ang pagsundo sa kin
gusto ko nang umalis at kumalimot
ang sakit ay ayoko nang kimkimin
dalhin mo ko bulalakaw
sa tuwing maririnig mo
ang tinig kong tumatawag sayo
ang tinig na humihingi ng tulong mo
dalhin mo ko bulalakaw
kapag naririnig mo na akong umiiyak
sa dahilang kanilang inapi
mga luhang walang tigil ang patak
dalhin mo ko bulalakaw
kapag pag-ibig ay wala na
sa mundong punung- puno ng gulo
sa mundong puro problema
dalhin mo ko bulalakaw
sa panibagong mundo mo
na iyong nakita sa paglalakbay
kung saan maaaring iwan ako
dalhin mo ko bulalakaw
ang mga tao rito'y napakagulo
walang pakialam at manhid
sila pa nga ba ay tao?
dalhin mo ko bulalakaw
at kung ayaw mo ay huwag
hahanap nalang ako ng iba
na dadaan sa mundong aking ginagalawan
Friday, August 19, 2005 : will i ever
tonight i feel you're far away
although i know to reach you is easy
tonight i feel you'll never be there
although you told me you'll stay
tonight i feel i lost you
although i know you are mine
tonight i feel betrayed
although the trust is strong
tonight maybe it's just the night
i feel you gone without a reason
tonight maybe for just this night
i'm feeling you won't come back
and maybe when the sun comes up
i'll be happier than tonight
all worries and doubts and fears and frights
would vanish as how night did
i think it's this feeling
that i'm missing you all the more
and because i do i think of this
i think you're gone for sure
im sad tonight can't you see
it's the lack of your presence that's killing me
i'll never know how i could cope
whenever you're gone i'm empty
tonight i need your hand to hold
although i cannot reach anymore
tonight i need your voice to hear
i think it's going somewhere else
and maybe when the sun comes up
i'll be happier than tonight
all worries and doubts and fears and frights
would vanish as how did night
tonight i feel you're so far away
although i know to reach you is easy
tonight i feel you'll never be there
although you told me you'll stay
Tuesday, August 02, 2005 : gemini
come a little closer
flicker in flight
we'll have about an inch's space
but i'm here i can breathe in
what you breathe out
let me know if i'm doing this right
let me know if my grip's too tight
let me know if i can stay all of my life
let me know if dreams can come true
let me know if this one's your's too
coz' i see it
and i feel it right here
and i feel you right here
the vacuous night
steps aside to give meaning
to gemini's dreaming
the moon on its back
and the seemingly
veiled room's lit
by the same star
Monday, July 25, 2005 : behind these hazel eyes
take me home right now
people around me are cruel
take me home right now
im confused and all in despair
take me home right now
life has already got me
take me home right now
how i long to be free
take me home right now
the tears are filling inside
take me home right now
monsters are crowding my mind
take me home right now
i want to scream with all my heart
take me home right now
it is where i could all over start
i long for peace of mind and soul
and that people treat me fair
not different when theyre around me
and another when im not there
take me home i want to
truly go back home
and sleep all i want to
so i wont know that im alone
Saturday, July 16, 2005 : bakit
may mga taong pinanganak na bulag
namatay ng bulag at ni minsan
ay hindi nakita ang kulay ng buhay
may mg taong pinanganak na bingi
namatay ng bingi at ni minsan
ay hindi nakarinig ng himig ng damdamin
may mga taong pinanganak na pipi
namatay ng pipi at ni minsan
ay hindi nasai ang mga katang “mahal kita”
may mga taong pinanganak ng pilay
namatay ng pilay at ni minsan
ay hindi nakadama ng saya sa pagtakbo
may mga taong walang kamay
namatay ng walang kamay at ni minsan
ay hindi naipahayag ang
saloobin sa pagguhit o pagsulat
may mga pinapanganak na may sakit
may taning na ang buhay at ni minsan
ay hindi maisip ang sarili nilang tumandang masaya
may mga taong wala ang meron ka
mamamatay ng wala pa rin noon at ni minsan
ay hindi umaangal o nagbintang
wag mo nang isipin ang mga wala ka
ito ay pag-insulto sa Kanya sa kabila
ng pagmamahal Niya sa iyo
wag mo nang isipin ang wala ka.
tignan mo ang mga mata ko
may nakikita ka ba?
wala kundi itim at gaya rin naman
ng patutunguhan ng pusong makasarili.
=(
Saturday, June 25, 2005 : for you i will
fourever =)Friday, June 24, 2005 : broken sonnet
nabilaukan ka na ba?
sa sarap ng lahat ng kinain mo
mawawala ang lahat
dahil sa pagkaing hindi mo
nailunok nang mabuti?
nabilaukan ka na ba?
at hindi mo na natuloy ang
mga nais mong sabihin
na matagal tagal nang
bumabagabag sa iyo?
nabilaukan ka na ba?
na kahit anong tulong
na gawin ng iba ay parang
ayaw parin mailabas ang
pagkaing bumara sa iyo?
nabilaukan ka na ba?
na kahit pa gaano karami
ang panulak mo
ay hindi parin matanggal ang
tila pako sa iyong dibdib?
nabilaukan ka na ba?
at mangiyak ngiyak sa sakit
na idinulot nito.
kahit na pagkatapos
ay uubusin mo parin ang pagkaing masarap?
nabilaukan ka na ba?
at nainis sa sarili dahil
sa katakawang pag-iisip
na ngayon ay hindi mo
na maibabawi?
hindi ka na ba makahinga?
kung gayon at mabuti nang
tayo'y pareho ngayon.
noong ako'y nabilaukan,
hindi na nawala. hindi na naitama.
***
lie down right next to me
and i will never let go.
Saturday, June 11, 2005 : nasan ka na
umagang-umaga ay gigising ka
nang pagkaaga aga dahil may pasok na
ilang kaalaman at kaibigan ang nabago
ngunit kahit ano man ay wala na ito.
magbago man sa harap ko ang kahit sino at ano
isa pa rin ang tinatakbuhan ko, aming bahay, pag-uwi ko
doon ay ligtas ako, kung anu-anong kwento ko sa kanya
walang inaalala, sa kanya ang buong tiwala.
mahal ko ang bahay na aking inuuwian
dito ang lahat ng problema ay napagbubuhusan.
wala na akong maiaangal sa kalinga nio
wala na rin akong iniisip kundi ang pag-uwi ko.
dumating ang bagyo at sa lakas ng isang kidlat
bahay ko ay nasira, laki ng aking gulat
nabasag ang mga bintanang minsang nagtakip
ng aking mga mata kapag mga luha ay kimkim
nasunog mga dingding na palaging naghaligi
ng aking mga pangarap, nais, at panaginip
naghati ang pintuang sa akin ay nagbubukas
sa tuwing ang nakakapagod na araw ay nagwawakas.
ang higaang iniiyakan, mga halamang inalagaan
nilamon ng sunog na mabangis sa isang iglap.
tinagong mga alaala at minahal na mga bagay
ang hangin ng ulan ay mabilis na tinangay.
ganon ganon lang nawala ang tanging yaman
wala man lamang nagawa. di man lamang napigilan.
hindi madaling uwian muli ang tahanang nawala
lalo na ang maghanap ng tahanang kapareha.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005 : let me go
there was a girl who wanted the world
still, she knew she wasn't ready
it's beauty and promises dazzled her more.
she wanted it more so badly.
one day the world came up to her.
the world said that he'll promise
to make her happy with all he has
and love her just like this.
at first this girl was very happy
there was nothing she wanted more.
she felt secured with wordly lures
with her world she closed the door.
she woke up one morning and realized
what a sh*t she has become.
the world confused her all the more
all she did was just dumb.
this girl could not turn back now.
there is much she got herself into
she couldn't cry, or scream, or shout
there was nothing she could do.
inside her heart she realized
what a fool she just had been.
to have loved the world when she wasn't ready.
and was blind to have pushed herself in.
the world can wait she then saw
it is i, i should construct
a fragile being who can be lost.
the world isn't all luck.
Monday, May 16, 2005 : akap
last night i found the prettiest thing
as i walked on the grass of our garden.
i didn't expect to see such a creature
when all i really wanted was to look at the stars.
that night i knew i was going to sleep happy.
for there was this joy that i felt all day.
what i didn't know was that there was more
a surprise was coming to end my night.
sleep was yet so far. and i roll endlessly in bed.
so i got up and out i walked on the grass of the outside.
what took me by surprise was this beep i heard.
i looked under a rock and this funny thing glowed.
looking closely at this glowing thing it interested me.
this pretty thing that glowed started talking to me.
to my surprise i got up and made a noise.
i bet that chain that i accidentally dropped woke them up.
no big. i didn't care. it talked to me and i smiled.
i didn't expect to hear from it since i didn't believe it as a child.
it was a conversation that lasted for twenty minutes.
you would be surprised that i timed it.
i had fun. it talked to me. i laughed and laughed.
and still along the conversation it told me many things.
i smiled at what it said. that pretty thing was funny.
that pretty thing was inspiring too. it kept me smiling.
i knew it cost that pretty thing to talk to me that night.
for pretty things to show up to people was not easy you see.
they were fairy tales that we didn't believe as humans.
but i believe in that pretty thing. i miss it too.
i wish i could see that pretty thing soon. i wish to talk to it.
and have more laughs and smiles and giggles.
i miss it so much. and if i could see it one more time,
i would hug it tight and never let it go.
:)
Sunday, May 15, 2005 : butterfly kisses
walking along some dirt road
a piece of paper you suddenly see.
***
i know she's watching from above
this beautiful woman i most love
all my life i held her near
until that very day i feared
it was a monday at twelve midnight
she had this pain she sweared to fight
i watched her cry. she held my hand
"dont leave my side." she said so bland
her hard gasps and breaths soon ended
she then was calm and smiled and said
"do you remember highschool days?
and how i used to hate your gaze?
how i'd laugh and pull your hair?
but when left alone, i'd wished you're there?"
i just tried to let out a laugh
but then those moments were just so tough.
"do you remember our endless dates?
how you'd want a kiss, but i'll just say wait?"
i said, "yes. and then you'd always say:
i love you so much. i enjoyed today."
i was not ready to let her go
though we knew this for three years or so
she was my life. the air i breathe
she loved me beyond my insecurities
her hand ive always wanted to hold
she's in my arms when nights are cold
she made me see how it means to live
it's living for others. and to others we give.
she continued to tell about our time in college
how she wanted to grow together and reach old age
she told me how she wanted many kids
and watch them grow and teach them how to read
her endless thoughts has made me smile
i wanted her to stay more for this last while
but she didn't. and the words i last heard her say:
"i love you so much. i enjoyed today."
she closed her eyes and fell asleep
i held her tight. i didn't want to weep.
i tucked her in and smiled and thought:
"im now giving you away to the man we call God."
i know she's watching from above
this beautiful woman i most love
all my life, i'll live for her.
and wait until finally we're together.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005 : mary had a little lamb
it inspires me to listen to your voice
as you read to my little sister
i admit that i cannot do
for patience for her is far from my reach
but listening to you as you teach her
as i write this thought for you
as i listen at the back as you guide her
i felt happy and proud to know you
it inspires me to listen to your voice
although nagging is part of your job
we can still sit down beside you
and you guide us as we start to read
it inspires me to listen to your voice
when all i thought you have left
this job to us because we have grown
but the truth is we're still learning
it inspires me to listen to your voice
although i laugh when you're off key
i know that whatever happen you'll always
let us grow up being the best we can be
it inspires me to listen to your voice
when i have doubted that there is no hope
you pave the way for growth and improvement
shutting down my arguments and insecurities
it inspires me to listen to your voice
when i believe in myself to much
i realized there's much to learn
to end up growing up just like you
it inspires me to listen to your voice
in the endless phone calls you receive
they trouble you or please you
nonetheless it is still your voice
and there is not much i will say
no words that will bring down tears
except that it inspires me to hear you
and i would wish to grow by you.
Friday, April 29, 2005 : stranded
i rushed up the stairs to see you
and wasn't surprise to see your angry eyes
you didn't know what happened
and there i was to explain it all
before i could even utter a word
or hold your hand or blink an eye
before i could say "i love you so much"
i saw your arm and it pushed me down
i remembered you use your left extended
as your fingers were wrapped around my neck
with not much effort you let me fall
"i hate you. it's over" you said.
as i fell down those fourteen steps
and wasn't surprise to see your angry eyes
you didn't know what happened
and there i was to explain it all
before i could even utter a word
or hold your hand or blink an eye
before i could say "i love you so much"
i saw your arm and it pushed me down
i remembered you use your left extended
as your fingers were wrapped around my neck
with not much effort you let me fall
"i hate you. it's over" you said.
as i fell down those fourteen steps
as i felt each bone break
i didn't close my eyes. i stared at you
"i haven't explained at all". i kept thinking
on the foot of the stairs my neck was bleeding
i knocked down a vase and it cut so deep
my feet was over my head. i was disarranged
but i stared at you still as you rushed for me
i knew i was still staring as you carried me
but no pictures i can remember
maybe i lost myself back then
but only kept my eyes wide open.
i dreamt through it all along the process
your voice just ran through my head
"i love you so much. im sorry"
those last words i heard you say.
i guess you've finally known the truth
i wished you could've just listened
it was nobody's fault you see.
it was a case of misunderstanding
but you didn't hear me instead let out anger
and i felt so stranded that time
"i still love you." i thought. as i lie on my bed
but ill love you no more. coz u wanted me dead
it was hard for me to let you go
i have known and loved you for seven years
i moved on. i didn't dream to love again
if loving someone would only mean the grave.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005 : she will be loved
i tried to sleep but i just can't
the day ended with goals unfulfilled
i wasn't able to do those i want
i didn't even know where to begin
it's a lump that burdened me
as i lie on my bed. eyes opened
i wondered why i even thought of it
thoughts that to all have been spoken
i tried all day to change this thing
thing this where my mind is sleeping
but because of a lack of learning still
i am back to the beginning
i wasted so much precious time
thinking i want to be like them
forgetting this promise to myself
i am contented with this one for me
i did not wish to tell the world of it
it was the sanctuary of heart and mind
it doesn't matter if they're far ahead
or think that im far behind
i would lose its importance and meaning
if vanity and jealousy reigns
remember simplicity and humility
the place where true beauty is contained.
she will be loved still.
Monday, April 25, 2005 : ill be
hindi ba kayo mamamangha
kung sasabihin kong andito parin siya
ang dakilang butiking patuloy ang yakap
sa bintanang mas mataba pa sa kanya
hindi ba kayo mamamangha
ilang araw nang andito ito
itong munting kadiring butiki
na hindi ko alam baka patay na pala
tinapik ko ang bintana
at hulaan nio ang nangyari
gumapang xa pataas palayo sa akng tingin
wala na ang butiki... kaawa awa...
sandali lang. baka hindi pah.
unti unti xang bumabalik
itong munting kadiring butiki
na may matang itim na itim
mrami na kong karanasan
kasama ang munting butiki
ewan ko kung bakit
ako parin ay diring diri
nung bata ako itlog lang yan
sa bintana ng aking munting kwarto
hnggang lumabas ay aking pinanood
ang butiking nakipagsapalaran sa mundo
tumatabi pa sakin to
tuwing ako'y tumutugtog
kumakanta o kaya'y tumatalon
pag-ako'y masaya. pag-ako'y malungkot
kahit sa pagtulog andito si butiki
sa kisame ng kwarto ko
sa dingding ng kama ko
kht sa banyo pag ako'y naliligo
kakain ako sa paggising anjan si butiki
sinisiguradong ulam ko ay masarap
pagumiiyak ako.. anjan parin si butiki
tinatahan ako nang ngumiti
pagnasa daan ako. mamimiss ako ni butiki
pagdating ko sa kabilang lugar
andun ang mga kapamilya niya
inutusan niang bantayan ako.
kht anong iwas ko o diri o takot
anjan parin si butiki sa aking tabi
pinanonood at knakamusta c dane
kaibigang anjan parati..
turo ng aking butiki
maging isang tunay na kaibigan
hindi ka iiwan saan pa man
kht ayaw mo na nang tuluyan
turo ng aking butiki
maging laging anjan para sayo
wag daw kita iiwanan
kaht daan daan pa problema mo
turo ng aking butiki
magpasaya ng kaibigan
pagtinitira ka na ng mundo
mong "napakagaan"
turo yang ng aking butiki
naiintindihan mo ba?
kaya hindi kita titigilan
saan pa man gaano man
hnggang hindi ko nakikita
ika'y muling nakangiti
ika'y muling tumatawa
ika'y muling masaya.
Friday, April 22, 2005 : pen pen de sara pen
pen pen de sara pen
de kuchilyo de almasen
haw haw de carabao
batuten
hmmmm......
alam nio ba ang ibig sabhin ng tulang ito?
alam nio rin kaya ang lingguahe nia?
kung alam nio eh paki sabi nman...
para hindi ako maniwala sa naimbento kong ibig sabhin...
isa xang tulang ginawa ng bata
o kaya naman ay galing probinsya
sa mga salita ng tulong ito
ay makukuha ko ang ibig sabhin niya
mei isang batang tinatawag ang kaibigan niya
"pen pen..."
at di raw sarado ang pen kng san nakakulong ang kalabaw
"de sara pen.."
hindi nasara ni pen ang pen
abala kasing naghihiwa ng almasen (?)
"de kuchilyo de almasen"
kaya nagtataka ang kaibigan niya
kung bakit nakawala ang kalabaw
"haw haw de carabao"
isang kalabaw na di napaliguan
mabantot
"batuten."
o xa.. kung naisip nio ang ibig sabihin
paki sabi sakin
kung naisip nio ang dilang nagamit
paki sabi sakin
nababaliw ako kaiisp
ka iisip narin kung bakit mei butiki dito sa bintana
nakayakap sa bintanang mas mataba pa sa kanya
kawawang butiki
nanaginip ako dati
takot kasi ako sa butiki
hinahabol niya ko
takot na takot ako
ewan ko.. di naman niya ko makakain
o makakagat o dadakmain
pero takot ako sa butiki
ikaw ba? hindi?
nakakaawa naman ako
walang masulat na matino
buti na toh
kaysa naman malungkot at bigo
un lang naman kaya ako nagsusulat eh
galit inapi nang-api at inaway
kaya etoh busog at bangag
butiki nalang ang pinatripan
pasenxa ka na ha
kng walang mabasang matino
halika paiyakin mo ko
para mkabasa ka ng isang mahabang nobela
ayaw mo? buti naman
yoko rin eh.. haha
xa nga pala, kng cno ka mang ngbabasa nito ngaun
miss na kta
pen pen de sara pen
de kuchilyo de almasen
haw haw de carabao
batuten
Sunday, April 17, 2005 : remix
a day you thought would turn out good.
filled with memories and happy times
i felt so good with what i have done
sacrificing everything just for this one.
i saw u standing across me.
you try to tell me something bad.
in such a way you won't shame me.
in front of the only friends i had.
no matter how u say it
your words will just bear through
i hated you for what you have done
i hated you for just that one
i tried to tell myself that day
i should understand the way you are
we don't live in the same worlds you know
our lives are obviously very far
and so with much reflection
i learned to understand
some people who just can't seem to
see me the way i am
i thought that is enough today
turned out there is much to see
there u were once again
blaming and judging me
i thought i was sorry
i thought i told you that
my apologies you didn't hear
you tell the world i'm bad
i am left with the heaviest heart
feeling i can never stand up
with all the stupid things i have done
i felt they would never stop
another friend i came to encounter
a friend a grew up with
who saved me from my bad times
i told her all im burdened
and so i thought at least there is
someone who's there to listen
to me despite my imperfections
my heart soon has lightened
and yet with how the day went
a person passes by
without reminder i was not prepared
that she would ruin mine
that person who came by surprise
ironicly was a family
and took the only listener
i thought i had beside me
moods start to change and suddenly
I feel the ties had been broken
i got so confused why did it happen
events that drop so sudden
it made me think “was i just used?”
to have someone to talk to
when deep inside their i-don't-know hearts
i was somebody to lose
I couldn’t complain
Do I even have the right?
When maybe all the problems
Is in me all along
If I were to think and ponder on it
I would believe that it is me who has the problem
But, no more, I’m so tired of thinking
That it is I, and not at all them
But stop the biasing maybe its really me
For years I have been like this
Ive tried to fight myself everytime
From the evil me Ive known since
It was also this line that kept bugging me
“at least xa naiintindihan ako”
it was her joke but what the heck
ako ba naiintindihan mo?
funny how it becomes different
from person you thought you knew
when faced in a new situation
they leave you and don’t know you
as I kept silent all throughout
I wonder if they talk about me
But im so hard of thinking of that
If they don’t or really like me
You wanted to hold on to the very person
yet that one is oh so far
at least I know someone’s remaining
someone’s remaining in my heart
I could write a ton of how the world destroyed me
Just to keep frustrations held
And tears that seemed to be falling
Knowing they thought of you as dead
I felt so stupid all this day
And thought if this is me
I would often ponder who am i?
And who am I supposed to be?
Should I be doing the things I do
Do they show the me inside
Or these are the bad things I should change
So much nobody stands
As homily ticks no words I swallow
I think about this day
Maybe it’s sleep that I lacked
3 hours’ never enough anyway
ive never felt so confused
and pressured so much to change
to change me in such a way
they would accept my stage
and still confused I came across kids
who played and kissed me all night
I realized that, yes, there is nothing wrong
Being me is just alright.
Yet in being one’s self one has to see
The limitations of free will
Control your blurts and temper
Thoughts and words could kill.
Understand the different people
Not all of you are the same
Fill your mind with good thoughts
And pray that the tongue be tame.
Friday, April 15, 2005 : blurry
ejkdbbvvmdldo
can u read?
dkjf;popodcoe
do u understand what it says?
as;lkdjfelnmnpvoiweiujckhwse
is it clearer now?
coekemnf;a;ldkfkdnw
how about this one?
why can't u understand?
or maybe im not really making myself clear.
can u tell me?
or maybe i myself is not clear.
i can't really understand
how life ticks at the moment
can u reach inside my mind
maybe there you can find
what i am really trying to say
i cant really understand
why my mind seems to be
puzzled when there aren't
much to think about these days
i start to doubt myself
even me i cant trust
why all of a sudden
my thoughts start to change
a firm belief is nowhere near
conviction is out of reach
and because of what happens
here you are feeling down
because of what i have done
because of what i have said
i never meant to do that
it just came out in a sudden
or did it not?
im afraid of what i will be doing
in days that are yet to come
are you next to those whom i have
hurt and put down
is that what i do?
or what i think i do?
when it was supposed to help you
as i have believed
but they don't think so
none of them think so
i am bad
yes that's what they say
and what i believe
no, i don't believe
i know what i believe in
is this what i really know?
how do you believe
when you don't know?
are you getting all of these?
or maybe im just really
what i judge to be
blurry...
how about this?
fjeo3wormnclc;wapdkrnenwklwpwf
never mind.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005 : neon
coz i know i can never be enough
to replace your whatever
***
"sleepless nights and afternoons
drown me all throughout the week
i cant be assured despite your endless promises
wondering where u are right now
i toss myself
on this bed that never seemed familiar to me
cheat has made this mark so deep
i've learned not to trust
not even the people i knew since i was born
i learned not to turn to you
you only messed me up
did you know how much i wanted you to go?"
those were just dreams
i will never want to be real
but they haunt me every night
i can never be calm
knowing these dreams will visit me tonight
i can never be calm
i never knew the meaning of these
and i never would want to know
maybe they were just thoughts
i want them to go away
i do not think of them
then who does put them in my head?
it was the song
it never gave me peace
haunts me like a movie that kept on playing
enclosed in this straight jacket
it never gave me hope
this song that imprisoned me for a time
my mind was never free
this song that killed me within
darkened my vision forever
and yet no matter how i run
i seem to go back and listen
to this song
that killed me within
that never gave me hope
yet beheld the happiness i wanted
i know i can never be enough
***
there's no one here
there's no one here
there's no one here
Sunday, April 10, 2005 : here i am to worship- SOLO DIOS BASTA!!!
here i am to worship
here i am to bow down
here i am to say that Your my GOD
You're altogether lovely
altogether worthy
altogether wonderful to me
i'll never know
how much it cost
to see my sin
upon that cross
[iLc hangover]
i hear Your voice oh God
i feel Your presence
i have grown in love with You
what i only want is You Lord
God is enough for me
nothing else will ever be
and i am satisfied
for i have found my peace
[iLc hangover]
i love you!!!!
soLo diOs basTa... God is enough!!
100% pure!!!ü
Wednesday, January 26, 2005 : gone
the ground shakes under your feet.
you try to hold on to something.
something you hope would save you.
too bad. none's there.
when finally you catch hold
of that final hope in your hands.
it sinks with you
as the ground eats you up.
gone.
you feel the pain all over your body
as you endlessly fall down a thousand flight of stairs.
the steps crashing in on every part of your body.
you know that afterwards you can no longer move.
finally, it stops. you drop to the bottom of it all.
a useless vision, you cannot see.
suddenly your heart seems to be squeezed inside you.
and then it is squeezed harder.
you try to scream for help.
but its done.
gone.
as you run from the murderer
you stumble on the cold soil.
wondering how you would ever escape.
this situation you got yourself into.
a question if you would make it alive.
begins to flood your mind. you don't know.
out of all confusions. with all thoughts in your head.
unaware, the killer stabs you at the back.
you struggle to breathe.
as the knife pierces your stomach.
your eyes straight to the one who led you out of this world.
as well as the last picture of your life.
gone.
as it was just good before.
something suddenly goes wrong.
and you realize, just too late
everything that revolves around you.
all which you thought will always be there.
too bad.
because from this day on.
you'll know this:
gone.
Monday, January 24, 2005 : out of reach
time just fly.
all by itself.
all of a sudden.
nothing's the same.
you wonder where it all went wrong
but you can't figure them out.
when you finally do,
you find out its too late.
everything's change.
not all remain the same.
others just become
out of reach.
no matter how sad they may seem.
they are what they ended up to be.
however they are not of our approval
the changes are to be accepted bitterly.
too bad. we can only cry over it.
it has happened. nothing can be done.
wishes are only wishes.
them coming true is out of our reach.
i realized it was gone.
sadly, it won't come back.
where is it?
i do not know.
will i get them back?
i hope so.
being out of reach.
it makes me miss people.
it's the physical feeling
of not having the hand to hold on to.
you long one embrace
but it's no longer there.
those happen. when suddenly
things seem out of reach.
so far.
Friday, January 21, 2005 : because of you
at the beginning,
confidence reigned through.
risks were taken,
for belief in one's self is the strongest.
paths were treaded upon,
for no one could stand in the way.
no one complained.
everyone followed.
finally,
it was done.
but the result.
it was regretful.
nothing can be done now.
we have to pay the PRICE,
for the mistakes and
ignorance,
one has committed,
by looking at one side only.
not weighing the pros and cons.
everything was a mess.
all she wanted was to do it.
but the "it" became a mess.
so bad that nothing
can be done about it.
what's worse.
more people are included.
innocent lives forced
to pay the same price.
but what they did not know
is who the root of all evil is.
no one would tell.
not even me.
for the fright to see faces a few
saying, "It's all because of you."
Thursday, January 20, 2005 : ipinahihiwatig ng mata mo.
nasubukan mo na bang tumitig sa mga mata ng isang tao?
alam mo ba ang cnasabi ng mga ito?
cguro...
sa araw na ito... marahil....
asig...
gumising akuh kaninang umaga...
pagtingin ko sa salamin, nakita ko ang mga mata...
ang sabi,
"inaantok ka pah!"
pagsakay ko sa koche kanina... ktabi ko xa..
nakita ko ang mga mata...
ang sabi,
"late ka na!"
pagpasok ko sa ASTB Hall,
ako ay binati nila
nakita ko ang mga mata...
ang sabi,
"andito ka na pala!"
first subject. comsci nah.
partner ko si lou.
nakita ko ang mata.
ang sabi,
"tama! may space nga!"
socsci na... nagrereview parin akuh
pumasok na si sir martin.
nakita ko ang mata.
ang sabi,
"class, socsci na!"
techskills na, ksama ko si jecay.
hindi namin gnagwa ang koche.
nagbell.
nakita ko ang mata.
ang sabi,
"gutom na ko. dun tayo sa baba!"
pagktapos kumain, ksama ko c ed.
nsa ilalim kami ng gazebo.
umulan.
nakita ko ang mata.
ang sabi,
"mukang bangag ka!"
tpus CAD nah... ktabi ko c ryan.
ang ingay namin sa loob.
gumagawa ng seatwork.
nakita ko ang mata.
ang sabi,
"4 ang height niya!"
akyat sa algeb room.
binigay ni mam orate ang grades.
nakita ko ang mata.
ang sabi,
"1.75 ka!"
valed nah. nood kami ng homosexuality.
tinignan ko si mich.
nakita ko ang mata.
ang sabi,
"ditoh o, upo ka!"
nakita ko si shayne.
sobrang lungkot.
nakita ko ang mata.
ang sabi,
"tama nah. ayoko na!"
uwian nah.
pagdating sa front lob.
puro mata.
hindi ko alam ang sabi.
pero meron isa.
"anditoh ka lang pala!"
nasubukan mo na bang
tumitig sa mga mata?
msaya siya.
kung alam mo ang ipinahihiwatig.
alam mo kaya?
tumingin ka sa mata ko.
alam mo kaya?
kung hindi. tingin ka lang.
tignan mo ang mata.
at alamin ang sinasabi ko na,
"salamat kaibigan. dahil anjan ka!"
:)
mei mga panahong wala akung gnagawa.
makikinig ng tugtog.
at biglang maaadict sa isang kanta.
pag naadict, sabay kuha ng lyrics sa net.
oh well...
etoh ang isa sa mga panahong iyon.
***
Always Be My Baby
We were as one, babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'll let you fly'
Cause I know in my heart, babe
Our love will never die
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
I ain't gonna cry, no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably, you'll be back again'
Cause you know in your heart, babe
Our love will never end
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
I know that you'll be back, boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that you'll be right back, baby
Oh baby, believe meIt's only a matter of time
Time
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy, don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby
Tuesday, January 18, 2005 : system of a down
oh yes.
its a system of a down.
grabeh.. hell week's not up till feb pro sobrang tumatanda na lhat ng tao...
hehehe..
talk about tumatanda.. stress kc.. haha... nyek...
oh well.. everyone's down tonight.
the day's ruined us all.
hirap magwork
pro etuh na xa.. ang hindi kaiwas iwas na mga nararanasan ng pisay.
when the system's down.
lhat down.
pero mei umaga.
another start.
pero another chance.
to put the system down.
*sad...
deh...
*happy.. =D
Sunday, January 16, 2005 : people are people
the best things in life are hard to find...
or are they?
maybe they were just right there... in front of me.
i didn't notice for i was too busy...
too busy...
too busy figuring out where it is.
too busy complaining "what the hell?!"
too busy thinking of myself
oh yes.
i bet people are people.
a flaw irremovable.
when will this stop?
will this ever end?
an ending to human's selfish desires.
an ending to human's unreasonable dramas.
an ending to human's worthless immaturity.
but i guess,because people are people...
that's why people are people.
